The Setting: Our heroes, Scott

The Setting: Our heroes, Scott and Steve, have just pulled up in front of the local QFC to retrieve some bread and salsa. Parked directly in front of them is a car containing four 16-year old kids. They all look excited to see our heroes, and the driver jumps out of the car.

scott: …and he said “damn your canoes!

[laughter from steve and scott]

driver: [male] Hey guys, will you buy us some beer?

scott: no, sorry.

steve: will you dance a jig for me?

[much laughter from scott throughout this scene]

driver: [looking worried] uh… sure?

steve: what about you three? [pointing to car] will you all dance a jig for me?

[all three get out of car]

kid #2: [male] dance a what?

kid #3: [male] like an Irish jig?

kid #4: [female] I’m a dancer!

kid #2: yeah, she’s a dancer!

kid #4: I don’t know how to dance a jig, but I can dance something for you!

driver: well, will you sing or something for us to dance to?

scott: no no no! This is an exchange of services! We buy you beer, you dance a jig for us!

driver: wait a minute! they already said no! [pointing to scott]

scott: I said no, he didn’t.

steve: well, come on, give me a sample jig or something.

[half-hearted attempts at jig from driver and kid #3]

steve: no! those were horrible jigs!

driver: I don’t know how to jig! I’m not Irish!

steve: well, what are you?

driver: I’m Norwegian!

steve: well, what kind of dances do Norwegians do?

driver: I don’t know any of them!

steve: Well, I’m sorry, that just wasn’t good enough for beer.

[steve and scott turn backs on kids and walk into store, laughing]

driver: you’d buy us beer if you weren’t gay!

[steve and scott laugh even harder]

Once we got inside the store, Steve decided to buy some beer for himself. The driver and kid #2 or #3 came inside the store to buy a Mountain Dew (apparently an acceptable substitute for beer), and proceeded to talk to us in the check-out line to make us feel bad about neglecting our duties as elders. They asked our ages, and looked dismayed to find out we’re 23. The driver proclaims that we should understand, because we’ve “been there.” Steve asked their ages, and we found out they’re all 16. We laughed and wished them luck as we walked out to the car, where the kids remaining in the car looked longingly at Steve’s beer and muttered about us. Steve waved as we drove away.

I think my favorite thing is that the driver of the car is obviously the smartest kid in the group. He had quick reactions, which were more intelligent than his cohorts unintelligible grunting, or his female friend’s offer to some “some other dance” for us.

As we were driving home and discussing the situation, it occurred to us that we are out of practice. At one time, this scene would have gone much smoother. I would not have said no, tipping the kids off to the fact that there’s no way in hell we’re buying them beer, we would have used a better lead-in, and the closer, where we inform them their jigs aren’t good enough would be much smoother. And so, we’re proud to present:

The Way It Should Have Gone!

[our heroes get out of the car]

scott: …and he said “damn your canoes!

[laughter from steve and scott]

driver: [male] Hey guys, will you buy us some beer?

scott: what will you do for us?

driver: huh?

steve: will you dance a jig for us?

driver: [looking worried] uh… sure?

steve: what about you three? [pointing to car] will you all dance a jig for us?

[all three get out of car]

kid #2: [male] dance a what?

kid #3: [male] like an Irish jig?

kid #4: [female] I’m a dancer!

kid #2: yeah, she’s a dancer!

kid #4: I don’t know how to dance a jig, but I can dance something for you!

driver: well, will you sing or something for us to dance to?

scott: no no no! This is an exchange of services! We buy you beer, you dance a jig for us!

steve: well, come on, give me a sample jig!

[half-hearted attempts at jig from driver and kid #3]

steve: [outraged] you call THAT a jig? THIS is a jig!

[steve and scott bust into flawless jigs that they have obviously rehearsed for just this situation]

scott: Now you practice that, and when you get it down, we’ll buy you beer!

[steve and scott turn backs on kids and walk into store, laughing]

driver: you’d buy us beer if you weren’t gay!

steve: [steve uses limp-wrist gay wave at kids] oh you!

The End! Our heroes leave the parking lot triumphant, leaving the kids confused and sober! We also noted there are variations on this theme that we could pull on people. For example, instead of a jig, we could learn to beat-box and ask the kids to break dance for us!