I’ve just seen the most nightmarish kung-fu movie. The hero is trying to rescue his idiotic love interest, running around with her on his back because she’s got a bear trap on her leg, and blood is steadily trickling from the wound, and hordes of scurvy bastards with torches and hatchets are chasing him through this dark maze of bamboo stakes, screaming “There’s a pig over here! Let’s kill it! Kill the pig! Hunt the pig!” Human flesh tastes like pork. This is the norm for this movie. Hunters hunt people, and bear traps never trap bears, because the land is too wasted by human violence to support the presence of any animals but mangy, half-dead dogs.
So then our hero falls down, and a bear trap snaps his arm off, and one of the scurvies drags it off by a chain, cackling, cackling, and he’s chasing after his severed arm in a frenzy and he follows it right off a cliff.
Oh man. Things just get worse from there.
He survives the fall, and it comes to pass that he lives in the rubble of a burnt-down house with an insane, monkey-like orphan boy. He has: One arm, one broken sword, and a burnt fragment of a kung-fu manual.
Of course, I hardly need say that he kicks everybody’s ass after that… hmm, actually I feel pretty great after watching that movie. I feel really upbeat. I know, I know, but look, you have to see it. The scales of retribution will balance cause and effect! YES The message has impacted me: I want to practice kung-fu! TAAH