Let me tell you about the first one:

I think I was fourteen. I met her when she came to my best-best-friend-across-the-street’s birthday party. They spent the entire night flirting, but I was too dumb to tell. I must have made some kind of impression on her, though, because she wrote me a letter. I wrote her back and found out that she lived in the next city over. A long ways away for a 14 year old. We hit it off, and somehow suckered our parents into driving us back and forth all the time.

She and her family seemed really nice, and I enjoyed spending time with her. After several months, I ended up staying the night at her place, and we had really bad virginal sex. It sucked, but we didn’t’ know any better, so we still tried. Her parents found out we were having sex almost immediately. I forget how, but I think she told them. They were cool with it. I didn’t know at the time how creepy that was. Parents just shouldn’t be into their daughter losing her virginity to some schmuck kid from the next town over at age 14. Anyway, the really weird stuff hadn’t started yet.

She was completely, psychotically into me. She would write me these epic love poems that would rival the Odyssey in complexity and spend hours talking to me on the phone. She thought we were in love, and I didn’t know any better, so I just rolled with it. I seem to remember being aware that I didn’t love her, but not really knowing it would be a big deal. Maybe I thought I’d grow into it or something. She was convinced we were going to get married. She knew what kind of furniture we would have. Her parents would make wedding jokes around me.

Then they revealed the alien stuff. This family was convinced that aliens were visiting them every night. My mom’s kinda into new age stuff, but this was a whole new level of strange for my young mind to understand. I must have looked really confused, because she tried to reassure me. “Oh don’t worry. They won’t come for you. You’re a Normie.” (short for “normal”, I assume).

The really strange thing is I don’t remember being that upset by this at the time. Despite the fact that my girlfriend of nearly a year was completely freaking insane, I was still okay with it. She told me that she had been impregnated by the aliens several times, but that the aliens took the fetus each time. The whole family went to group hypnosis sessions together.

Just before our one-year anniversary, she revealed to me that she had made out with another guy in her class (I still remember his name… it was Spanish). She said that it was really good, and she was kinda confused by it, but that she still wanted to go out with me. We tried to stay together for awhile, but when she did it again, that was too much, and I broke up with her.

Then the obsessive phone calls started. She would call every night and cry. I remember sitting on the phone and telling her that it wasn’t her fault (wrong) and that it was all about me. I was a bad person, and she was a good person, and I was terribly sorry (I wasn’t). I had the feeling that if she had a car, she would have stalked me. Over the next several months, the calls tapered off, and eventually she stopped calling altogether. She probably hooked up with Spanish boy and started freaking him out.

Well, now that I think about it, that wasn’t the only reason I broke up with her. I was starting to get really into another girl who actually went to my school (the idea of a local relationship was very appealing). After we broke up, I started dating the new girl. I’ll tell you about her later.