How I got my PS2

It’s been a full week since I had my miscarriage, so I guess I can talk about it now. It feels weird to actually write about what happened but we also feel like it’s important to share our story since miscarriage is one of those topics that people only seem to talk about in the abstract. Obviously, the subject is painful for most people who have been through a miscarriage so you don’t hear a lot of stories. Once it happens to you though, the stories come out of the woodwork. Far too many women I know have had at least one miscarriage. Fortunately, they all went on to have healthy children (in some cases, several).

So, in the spirit of unburdening yourself on the internet, this is my story.
I like to call it, “How I got my PS2.”

Scott wrote about what happened leading up to the actual miscarriage, we had told our parents that we lost the baby, and my parents dropped everything and came down to Portland to be with us on Wednesday. So Wednesday was fairly emotional, we still had some people to tell, and I didn’t want my parents to go home yet because I kind of felt like the minute they left I would start cramping and actually have the miscarriage. The midwives had said it could be any time, and the signs were starting a bit. (bleeding got heavier and more red.) I guess I had been kind of unclear on the process of a miscarriage, because of course, like birth, it looks different for every woman. On Thursday, we were out shopping a bit, and by early afternoon, we had to go home because my cramping got worse and the bleeding was a lot heavier. Soon after we got home, Scott’s mom showed up from the beach and I started to fade a bit from the pain….from this point on we were pretty much in constant contact with a midwife, Kate. We were told to expect heavy bleeding, cramping and clots for like one to three hours and then things should subside and the actual miscarriage would basically be over. At this point we didn’t know if we should go to the hospital or not, (I’d never really heard of women going through this at home) but the midwife said since all that was left was placental, and the empty sac which was miniscule, the hospital couldn’t actually really do anything, and it would be more traumatic than it was worth. The hospital was to be called if I started hemorrhaging and getting faint because that meant I was losing too much blood. Ok, it seemed like this was something we could handle. Mom and Annie and I just started the business of going to the bathroom every 10 –15 minutes when a big clot came out, and the guys hung out in the living room as Scott put it “in case anything needed to be fetched or killed, they were on it.” This went on for about an hour before I got in the shower for awhile, passed another huge clot and my head cleared. This is when I started to revert back to my curious self when things get icky, and I started really examining what was plopping out of me. I also started yelling at the guys for not producing take-out food fast enough which everyone took as a good sign that I was feeling better. I was getting concerned about the size of the clots, so we called the midwife again and she said she’d send the on call midwife Pamela out to reassure us and check me out. I made her laugh because I’m yelling on the phone things like “I just passed four little placentas! Things are getting crazy around here!” that’s totally what they looked like too, which made sense given that that’s what the big clots were, however much placenta had started growing was now ripping itself from the uterine wall, hence the contractions and bright red blood.

After about an hour, the midwife arrived right after I’d passed my last clot, (after much poking and exclaiming on my part…no one else wanted to know)
and we were all huddled in the living room eating our pasta take-out. I was like, “you’re just in time for the dinner party!” she took my blood pressure and temp and heart beat and said everything was perfect. Thank goodness. Now we just had to make sure that I didn’t get infected for the next couple weeks while I was still bleeding, so I’ve been on lots of vitamin C and echinecea. This was also when she really explained the miscarriage process to us and it started to make more sense. A bit after this, Annie and Ted went home and we all kind of went to bed….it had been quite a day.

The next morning we went to get my blood tested to see if I was a positive or negative, because if I was negative and Scott was positive, then we would need to get a shot in the next day or so or there would be complications the next time. Also something we didn’t know anything about…. Anyway, we found out I’m o+ so we at least don’t have to worry about that. Now it’s just taking care of ourselves and getting insurance sorted out so when we’re ready to try again hopefully the baby will stick.J

Oh! So I think it was Saturday, Scott had to go fax something so he left with his mom for awhile, while I walked down to my coffee shop to be alone and write for the first time in days. He still wasn’t back for like an hour after I got back and I was wondering where he was when he and his mom came in with a big bag and looking very pleased with themselves…. I looked in the bag and was like oh! You heard me! You borrowed Ryan’s PS2! (Normally, I could care less about video games but I love Katamari Damacy, and Ryan and Sean have it.) He’s like, Nope! It’s not Ryan’s! I just stared at him with this look of stupification on my face while he grinned at me….they had totally gone out and gotten me a used PS2 and both Katamari and the sequel. It was awesome…now I have a fun game to distract myself with for awhile instead of staring at the television or spacing out online…So I got Christmas early….Scott doesn’t usually surprise me like that, but when he does, he does it big….

Embryo does not reach full potential, hostess disappointed.

On a clear November day, I left a placenta on Hawthorne
A bright and promising day, but the idea of a baby just wouldn’t stick.
No amount of pleading or prayers would convince it to be so
Family gathered close, but to no avail.

The idea of a baby growing in my womb became just that…
A good idea that ultimately bore no fruit.