sooo… my plan is not proceeding according to plan. I’m getting pathetically housebound, because if I go anywhere I have to rely on other people to get me around , ’cause the two days I went a few places on buses I nearly had a breakdown. On thursday I went to do some office work for the No Ivy League, which meant walking a few blocks on either side of the bus stop, which I thought would be fine because the doc said to walk a “little” bit. I walked a few blocks more in the afternoon after having lunch with scott & steve, but then I broke down on a street corner waiting for a bus to take me to a meeting at work. I was like ten blocks from home and I had to call a taxi, it was insane. I got home and fell apart on scott. this was the first time since I got hurt that I really lost it.

I’ve pretty much been on the couch or in bed since except for a couple trips out yesterday to go to get my food stamps butt early on friday morning, which scott’s mom got up early to take me to, (thanks Annie!) and to meet my new doc in town, which the lady across the street took me to. (thanks Debbie!) apparently I’m not to be trusted out on my own anymore. I’ve rented lots of movies, but am not motivated to do much more than that. I’m afraid I’m slipping into a more depressive state than I’ve been in in a long time.

I’ve basically been in bed all day except to go to fred meyers but what that really means is that scott did the shopping while I sat in starbucks contemplating my situation. (hee hee! scott just kissed me!) he’s in the kitchen making my broke-ass dinner. he’s awesome.

I guess the problem is that I have to adjust to the violent turn my life has taken and I don’t want to, so consequently I’ve been irritable and moping around feeling like shit because I don’t want to adjust my life to injury again, I’m supposed to be done with that. I was out working and learning and feeling awake and capable, and BAM! back to whiny depressive status again. this is NOT what was supposed to happen this year, I’m supposed to be getting stronger, and dancing and working, not wallowing in the narrow pit of pain.

I think I understand that whole mind -body connection with injury, because I’m having to really struggle with not letting this injury overwhelm me and take primary focus in my life. which of course is extremely difficult as anyone who’s been injured knows. If I can stay above water then I can figure out a way to take care of myself emotionally and physically in a balanced way so I can heal and move on. Right now there just seems to be an undertow that keeps trying to take me back to post-car accident mode.

I guess I’ll have to keep swimming.